Ted Cruz / Whipped Goat Cheese Spread

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This week’s recipe: Whipped Goat Cheese and Honey Spread

Ted Cruz sucks.

This is not an original observation. I just finished Al Franken’s new book, and his chapter on how much he hates Ted Cruz alone is worth the price of admission. And I don’t think you need to be a dyed-in-the-wool liberal like Al Franken or me to believe that Ted Cruz is a mendacious, demagogic, showboating, power-hungry, cynical, smug, heartless, antisocial piece of shit. He is the dictionary definition of “unpleasant.” He is ugly inside and out. He is like the photo-negative of a good person. He’s kissed the ass of a man who publicly insulted his father and wife. He called the Supreme Court decision allowing gay marriage “among the darkest hours of our nation” (take a hike, Pearl Harbor and 9/11!) He thinks that federal disaster relief is a boondoggle when New York is hit by a hurricane but necessary and proper when Texas is hit by a hurricane. He said, with no evidence, that the majority of violent criminals are Democrats. Almost all of his political positions are built on a foundation of lies.

So I am really relishing this moment when, if you look Cruz up on Google, all of top News stories and six of the 11 links that show up on the main search page are related to his Twitter account “heart”-ing a porn video. From what I’ve read about the video, it’s very standard-issue, vanilla stuff, just what you’d expect a respectable Republican to be into. But we all know that deep down, Ted Cruz is so much more twisted and perverse than your average Republican. Here is just some of the freaky shit I think you would find if you were able to find his porn history (and thanks to Cruz’s sponsorship of the bill that allows ISPs to sell individuals’ information, we may be able to do just that one day):

-The middle class getting fucked by high-income tax cuts

-Cancer patients getting fucked by Obamacare repeal

-Schoolchildren getting fucked by insanely permissive gun laws

-The earth getting fucked by oil pipelines and climate change (that one’s a gangbang, alas)

-Merrick Garland getting fucked by Senate Republicans

-American democracy getting fucked by limitless campaign spending

-American taxpayers getting fucked by unnecessary government shutdowns

-The memory of Dr. Seuss getting fucked by Ted Cruz attempting to wield Green Eggs and Ham as a political weapon

Keep on keepin’ on, Ted, and hopefully the only thing that will get fucked is your political career.

So anyway, here’s some cheese. Specifically, it’s a tasty, savory-sweet goat cheese spread with honey on top. I made this for friends of ours when they came over for a game night, and I am only mentioning this because we played Settlers of Catan and I managed to come from behind and WIN despite not being able to build any roads. It was my first time winning Catan other than when I played my nine-year-old nephew and my mom (who really wanted the game to end and so would give me whatever cards I wanted if it would make things go faster). My wonderful aunt and uncle gave Mark and me a cheese board for our engagement, so we decided to make it a cheese-and-whiskey-and-game night, making this recipe the perfect thing to serve. Heads up that this makes a LOT of cheese so unless you are feeding a large crowd (or Mark, who can eat unlimited amounts of cheese), you will probably want to halve or quarter the recipe. I halved it and it still was still too much for the four of us, even with Mark’s aforementioned Olympic-level cheese-eating abilities.

Whipped Goat Cheese and Honey Spread

Ingredients
  • 1 cup extra-virgin olive oil
  • 12 cloves garlic, peeled
  • 2 sprigs fresh thyme
  • 3 cups goat cheese, softened
  • 1 cup cream cheese, softened
  • ½ cup heavy cream
  • 1 Tablespoon honey
  • Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
  • Toasted sourdough or crusty French bread, for serving

Instructions

  1. In a small saucepan, combine the olive oil, garlic and thyme. Cook slowly over low heat, being careful not to brown or fry the garlic, until the garlic becomes very soft, about 20 minutes.
  2. Drain the oil from the garlic, reserving the oil and placing the garlic in the bowl of a stand mixer; discard the thyme.
  3. Using the stand mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, whip the garlic until it starts to mash. Add the goat cheese and cream cheese and whip for about 15 minutes to reach a perfectly smooth texture.
  4. Slowly add the heavy cream, and then add 2 tablespoons of the garlic oil (reserve the remaining garlic oil for another use) and whip for another 2 minutes to incorporate.
  5. To serve, fill a glass jar or serving bowl with the whipped cheese and drizzle the honey over the top. Season with salt and pepper to taste.
  6. Serve the toasted bread on the side at room temperature.
  7. Any leftover whipped cheese may be stored in an airtight container in the refrigerator for up to 1 week.
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Save the Dates / Oven Baked Fries

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This week’s recipe: Oven Baked Fries

Our wedding is a long way away, but because it’s on a holiday weekend and therefore a popular date to get married, we are already in the thick of planning. Our need to get everything locked down over a year in advance was brought home to us this week when we found a photographer whose pictures we loved, and when we contacted him about our wedding that’s in over 13 months…he was already booked.

Because of the aforementioned holiday weekend, we are also sending out save the dates earlier than usual so that NO ONE ELSE CAN STEAL OUR DATE YOU DEVIOUS BITCHES. We have found some designs that we like, but it seems like, unlike for invitations, most save the dates (or STDs as they are colloquially known in the event planning world) feature photos of the couple. And not just any photos. They must be professionally taken, and follow certain strict parameters, with slight allowances made for hipsters versus yuppies:

She: has long, luxuriously wavy hair. Is wearing either an off-the-shoulder top/ long flowy gown/floppy hat/wreath/other Coachella-appropriate wear (hipster edition) or the latest from the J. Crew collection (yuppie edition)

He: has about a week’s worth of beard growth and is wearing either a long-sleeved plaid button-down shirt or a tight t-shirt that shows off his biceps (hipster edition) or is clean-cut and looks like he’s doing this shoot during his lunch break from Goldman Sachs (yuppie edition)

They are softly lit, shot from behind, embracing on a beach boardwalk/mountaintop/field of wildflowers. Or they are nuzzling each other’s noses in what used to be known as an Eskimo kiss but is probably considered racist in 2017.

And apparently you can only get married if you have a gender-ambiguous name that could also be a last name. Let’s play a game and see which of the couple names below are taken from the mint.com Save the Date collection, and which I made up for comedic effect:

  1. Bailey and Jamie
  2. Emery and Hayden
  3. Reese and Avery
  4. Addison and Cameron
  5. Morgan and Loren
  6. Devon and Tanner
  7. Aubrey and Harper
  8. Leighton and Reed
  9. Kennedy and Marley
  10. Francis and Grayson
  11. Moore and Ashton (was this one inspired by a certain May-December celebrity romance of the mid-2000s?)
  12. Dallas and Logan
  13. Harley and Gray
  14. Kendall and Presley
  15. Kennedy and Campbell
  16. Emerson and Mackenzie
  17. Taylor and Nolan
  18. Sydney and Theron
  19. Asher and Skyler
  20. Kelley and Holland
  21. Hadley and Dylan
  22. Rowan and Sawyer
  23. Parker and Payton
  24. Carson and Finley

Answers: 1-24 were all taken from mint.com. No joke.

The point is, until white people learn how to give their kids “normal” names (i.e. names from the Bible, kings and queens of England), they can’t be trusted.

So anyway, here are some fries. Getting oven fries to be crispy is always a trick but the whole soaking-for-as-long-as-possible method seems to have been quite effective–these were much crispier than normal oven fries after only 90 minutes of soaking. And they were tasty to boot! (I mean, what’s not to love about potatoes, oil, salt, garlic, and rosemary?) Enjoy these French beauties over your Bastille Day Weekend!

Oven Baked Fries

From Vegan Family Recipes

INGREDIENTS
  • 1.3 lbs potatoes, peeled and cut into ¼ inch strips
  • 3 tablespoons olive oil
  • 1 to 2 teaspoons fresh, chopped rosemary (can use dried rosemary as well)
  • ¼ of a teaspoon salt
  • 2 cloves of garlic, minced (can always use more if you’d like)
  • ¼ of a teaspoon fresh cracked pepper
INSTRUCTIONS
  1. Soaking: Soak your peeled and cut potato strips in a bowl of water for as long as possible. If you can soak them overnight, that’s awesome! If you can only soak them for an hour or two, that’s great! Even just soaking them for just 15 minutes is better than not soaking them at all!
  2. Preheat your oven to 410F (210C) and line a baking sheet with parchment paper.
  3. Remove your soaked potatoes from the water and pat them dry using paper towels. If you forget to pat them dry, you’ll end up with steamed potatoes and not deliciously, crispy ones.
  4. Place the dried off potato strips in a large bowl and toss with olive oil, rosemary, salt, garlic, and pepper until coated well.
  5. Bake the fries for 30 to 45 minutes, flipping them twice while baking, until fries reach desired crispiness.
  6. Remove fries from the oven, season with more salt and pepper to taste before serving them with your favorite ketchup or sauce.